[Intro]
(Spoken, over a tapping chisel) One, two, three and a quarter… One, two, three and a quarter…

[Verse 1]
Let me teach you fellas 'bout the DWV plan,
From the stack to the branch to the sink and the can,
From the stack to the branch to the sink and the can,
A tee's for a branch, a wye's for a bend,
Use a tight ninety and you'll be at the bitter end.
P-trap under every sink, keeps the sewer gas at bay,
Cleanout every fifty feet or you'll be payin' big someday,
Now the secret to a drain that won't get stopped,
Is a quarter inch per foot, that's the downhill drop.

[Chorus]
Quarter inch per foot, that's the golden gauge,
Keep your drain line hummin', no clog on the page,
From the toilet to the tub, from the sink to the stack,
Quarter inch per foot, and you'll never look back.
Quarter inch per foot, it's a plumber's groove,
A steady little fall that makes the water move.

[Verse 2]
I was training young Tony on a bathroom reno,
He used a sharp ninety, thought it'd be a cinch-o,
Thought it'd be a cinch-o, but the drain clogged solid,
On it'd be a cinch-o, but the drain clogged solid on a Sunday torn.
I cut through the Durock, pulled that ninety out,
Gave old Tony a lesson with a fearsome shout:
"A wye's for a bend, you bonehead fool,
A ninety's for venting, not for a stool!"
Then I drove my F-150 down Algoma's line,
Bought a three-inch wye from Dave, now the flow is fine.

[Chorus]
Quarter inch per foot, that's the golden gauge,
Keep your drain line hummin', no clog on the page,
From the toilet to the tub, from the sink to the stack,
Quarter inch per foot, and you'll never look back.
Quarter inch per foot, it's a plumber's groove,
Quarter inch per foot, it's a plumber's groove,
A steady little fall that makes the water move.

[Bridge]
Now, run your vent stack straight up to the sky,
Air behind the water, you wouldn't wanna pry,
Cleanout every fifty, mark it on the wall,
And remember what the Slab said about the fall.

[Chorus]
Quarter inch per foot, that's the golden gauge,
Keep your drain line hummin', no clog on the page,
From the toilet to the tub, from the sink to the stack,
Quarter inch per foot, and you'll never look back.
Quarter inch per foot, it's a plumber's groove,
A steady little fall that makes the water move.

[Outro]
(Spoken) Quarter inch per foot, boys.
Don't you forget it, or you'll be sweatin' like a slab in July.